everyone has girlfriends

i’m emotionally unavailable

joy

Just waking up

We were holding hands in my dream and you wanted me to come to this huge music festival that she was already going to but I didn’t have money or tickets and you still waited for me and we held hands on the way to the car through the parking lot and I woke up then because I KNEW it wasn’t real and it made me sad because we’re drifting apart and it breaks my heart but I’m not saying anything because I know that there’s absolutely nothing I can do to stop it and you’ll always leave me because you were never with me so there’s nothing to stick around for

I can’t sleep because the other day I woke up to my stepdad touching me in my sleep and now I’m afraid but I don’t know where to go or what to do because I trusted him but I guess I shouldn’t have My best friend usually tells me about stuff but the distance between us had grown so much. Maybe she just feels like her new best friend is more equipped to handle her anxiety, more available because she lives here and I don’t, and it’s heartbreaking because I’m losing friends left and right and I just miss being so close to someone I told them when I shat or that I wanted to kill myself. I guess I have to accept that things are changing and that I no longer have a special place in the lives of those that still matter so much to me I’m supposedly the one who’s moved forward and is making strides toward the future but im still lost and scared and exactly who I was I feel like school is the only place I can’t fuck hp but that’s not even true. Plus school is $60.000+ a year and it makes me feel guilty to even breathe

i’m disassociating again

it keeps happening
i just tune out, space out
my mind replays fantasies, ideal situations that i know only exist in my imagination
and i get lost in them
in the middle of a party, during conversations, as i cross the street
i feel disconnected
from my lovers, friends, self
it affects my intimacy (or crippling lack thereof), my concentration, my habits, my LIFE
all i want is to feel close to people
and feel present and part of something

the glaring exit sign

two years later and your name is still the popcorn kernel stuck at the back of my throat
gum on my wheel, fly on my windshield, same difference
and one would think that i would get tired of waiting, tired of running after you in my dreams, tired of hating the “she” of the year
and i am
of course i am
ive just never been one to stop the carousel myself

so I kinda have this boo thing going on with a family friend and it’s mad cute cause we were both frontin mad hard but its so obvious we like each other I mean idk He holds my hand and buys me empanadas like wtf more would I want

joy

it is my 20th birthday and i am in the dominican republic and i just skyped with my love for an hour and a half and now i’m with family jchillin in this sweltering heat and everything just feels so calm and maybe i don’t believe in god but the force is sure as fuck with me today

love and light

I think the reason why twentysomethings are so fixated on age is because we feel a pressure to be a certain way at 23, at 25, at 29. There are all of these invisible deadlines with our careers and with love and drinking and drugs. I can’t do coke at 25. I need to be in a LTR at 27. I can’t vomit from drinking at 26. I just can’t! We feel so much guilt for essentially acting our age and making mistakes. We’re obsessed with this idea of being domesticated and having our shit together. It’s kind of sad actually because I don’t think we ever fully get a chance to enjoy our youth. We’re so concerned about doing things “the right way” that we lose any sense of pleasure in doing things the wrong way. Youth may be truly wasted on the young.

Why Do Twentysomethings Always Feel So Old | Ryan O’Connell  (via iarnasoldat)

Cheers to turning 20 tomorrow

(via sinini)